Storm Tide

Abuse is a phenomenon that knows no temporal boundaries.  The emotional clamor of past blows and past words echo forth, malevolent waves traveling through corridors of time, crashing upon the shores of now.  Sometimes these waves manifest as a persistent lapping, eroding the boundaries of self with ever present friction.  In other moments, such as now, tall breakers slam against self, rending mind and soul, threatening to wash away sanity in a violent deluge.

These waves carry with them intelligible content.  The past tells lies across the decades using waves of emotion as a carrier, modulated by the violence of old altercations.  In times of deepest vulnerability, sometimes my inner voice is drowned out by this din of destructive information.  These lies are spoken in my own voice and confuse reality with a fiction fabricated by a false self, infected with the malice of others.

Where does truth take refuge?  In what bunker does it shiver and quake as waves slam into concrete walls?  These lies graft themselves so seamlessly to the flesh of the mind, that I struggle to discern the boundary between an authentic self and a cancerous deception created through a childhood tainted by abuse.

I struggle to find the beachhead of the real.

I gasp for clear, sweet air as I am drowned by wave upon wave of antique deception.

I await the next bout of calm weather, buoyed by a memory of sun mirrored waters.

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~ by timberwraith on July 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “Storm Tide”

  1. My favourite words to say in those moments…

    “You gotta have faith.”

    That’s it. No need for any explanation or elaboration.

    “You gotta have faith.”

    I tell this to other people.

    “You gotta have faith.”

    When I am exhausted, and need to go on. When I am feeling down in general. When I feel stupid, incompetent, ugly. When I worry about rejection or being the target of sneering and contempt.

    “You gotta have faith.”

    I got through so much by this age. And maybe I wasn’t conscious of it during those adventures…

    And I want to emphsise… it is NOT about any “god” or religion, per se. It is about one’s own strength that sometimes you can’t see yet. Something in you, as a flesh-and-blood, secular creature. Even just some very complex chemical reaction in your brain that you never anticipated… That got you through…

    “You gotta have faith.”

    Any time I say it, I feel better.

    • Thank you for the suggestion.

      Although I don’t talk about it much, I’m a deeply spiritual person and I tend to draw upon my sense of spirituality for emotional strength. I simply don’t believe in the notion of a god, but rather, I draw upon a sense of connection with nature.

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