What I’m Reading 3/23/12: Orientalism, Horrible Billboards, & Critiques of Neo-Atheism

Ah, is it spring already? Birds chirping, balmy 60 degree sun-filled days, leaves sprouting… Holy shrimp, this is March in Minnesota? Uh… yay? Technological progress and fossil fuel consumption for the win? I can hardly wait to see what summer’s going to be like.

Now, along with this unnatural spring, comes political rallies on the mall in our nation’s capitol. Normally, people wait until April to hold their DC rallies and marches because March weather is highly unpredictable in the Mid Atlantic states. Oddly, tomorrow is the Reason Rally. It’s almost as though our warriors for Reason and Science knew that technologically driven ecological destruction would bring unnaturally sunny skies and warm weather.  Or is this just the usual ironic absurdity that pops up in the world?

I just checked the weather for DC. Looks like a day of rain for the rally. Oops. At least they’ll get 69 degrees in March. Today, it’s going to be 80 and sunny. I grew up in Maryland. They’re getting May weather in March. The same thing is happening here in Minnesota. This is really, really wrong. But, just remember, science and technology are our saviors. It brought us our filth spewing factories and automobiles. It’ll bring us the solution to our self-destructing planet, too. Right?

Onward to other matters. Here’s what I’ve been reading of late:

Two articles addressing orientalism and stereotypes surrounding Arabs and Islam:
Orientalism, Misinformation, and Islam
Wiki entry for Edward Said’s book Orientalism

Three critiques of new atheism:
Against the New Atheism: a critique by Ned Curthoys
A Faith in Ends: Sam Harris and the Gospel of Neo-Atheism (link to a pdf file)
The White Atheist’s Burden: Save the Savages

Several critiques of the atheist slavery billboard in Harrisburg, PA:
Dear White Atheists
When White Atheists Come Out To Play (a follow up of Dear White Atheists)
Slaves like Us: American Atheists on the Plantation
Atheist Group Appropriates Slavery, Apologizes

Lastly, we have a video that juxtaposes Sam Harris’ analysis of terrorism vs. Robert Pape’s analysis of terrorism:

I wish new atheism could be more than it is. However, as long as atheism remains dominated by economically comfortable white guys who have no understanding of social justice, intersecting oppressions, or the effects of Western colonialism, we will have the disappointing mess that we now see.

Should it collapse under the weight of it’s own dysfunction, I won’t be disappointed.

Epilogue

Putting this exploration into words has felt like a decent into madness. Staring directly into the eyes of life’s harshness is unsettling. I can think of only one path out of this descent: faith. Faith is the belief in something in spite of the absence of evidence. Living my life, continuing my passage through this world of control and chaos, takes a conscious act of faith. I am not meant to survive—this I have established during this exploration—and so, I must continue my life in the absence of evidence that my life will continue.

Faith.

I know of no other way to do this.

I am tired of humanity’s mad rush toward control in the face of being mortal. It leads us into spoiling the wonder that surrounds us. It leads us into lines of division, alienation, and oppression. But if one is to relinquish control, then one must have faith that life will continue, and if life doesn’t continue… then somehow, this is OK, too.

Faith.

The rational and linear minded say that this is an act of madness. Faith forms the foundation of intellectual corruption.

Ironically, rationality itself is an act of control. Reason is structure. Reason builds walls. Reason turns the world into an array of objects to be manipulated and analyzed. I am tired of walls. I wish to see the world as a whole rather than as a series of compartments, neatly arranged and cataloged.

And so, faith and reason are not compatible bedfellows. One entails the relinquishing of control while the other entails the imposition of control. Once again, we have the ancient dance of chaos and order.

However, I am an agent of chaos and so, it would seem that faith is my sister. Perhaps then, I should get to know Her better?

It brings me joy to know that this declaration characterizes me as a source of evil for both those of religious and scientific persuasions. It would seem, in these modern times, that both religion and science struggle to conquer the spirit, the body, and the mind. And what better tools to accomplish this than control, division, and hierarchy? Two Holy Trinities meet and grapple with one another. Who will subdue whom?

Religion and science are not the answers. One tries to use faith as a means of control while the other tries to destroy it entirely.

Religion says, “Take faith in God. Relinquish control over to Him.” In reality, He is actually the church and its functionaries. Religion uses the godhead as a ruse for the accumulation of wealth and social power. Religion’s version of faith is nothing more than an ancient game of bait and switch.

Science, on the other hand, serves to undermine faith. The scientific method is designed to restructure the mind in ways that reproduce linear, analytical thought. Linear, analytical thought is, by its very nature, the cognitive equivalent of the imposition of control. This serves to destroy faith from the inside out. Unfortunately, without faith, one is left vulnerable to filling the resulting void with the constant struggle for control. We are left only with the illusion of comfort provided by human society, a realm which is focused upon control, division, and hierarchy. Religion disguises this Holy Trinity as God. Science disguises the Trinity as reason and technology.

Science and religion are both structured in ways which dehumanize and objectify the world and all that live within it. Deep down, I have reached a place where I actively abhor both institutions. Neither deserve to be trusted, as they both seek a form of tyranny. Both embrace the illusion of control and they revel in it.

Consequently, science and religion, as they are currently formed, are incompatible with spiritual connection. The sense of holistic connection that I seek withers under the acidic breath of their tyranny. One claims to provide refuge for the spirit, the other, a refuge for the mind. Both institutions peddle snake oil.

Faith is my known path. And so, I must learn to embrace Her and allow Her to embrace me. There is no other way. I cast my life into Her arms.

I am lost.

I am seeking.

No god or guru can hold my heart.

This article is one installment of a five part series:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Threads Of Connection

When one delves this deeply into the negative depths of reality, it becomes frighteningly easy to loose one’s bearings. This is ironic. Staring reality in its vicious, cold eyes can lead one to skirt along the edges of mental infirmity. Seeing reality inspires the mind to flee from reality.

What I’ve written during the last few days has been bleak. The culture I live in, the people I am surrounded by, even my emotions: none of these things can be fully trusted.

How does one deal with this? Am I seeking a solution to an unsolvable problem?

The first thing that comes to mind, is probably Buddhist in nature. Control is an illusion. The universe is always in flux, everything changes, and none of us—not even the richest person on the face of the planet—has full control of their surroundings… nor even their body. The universe is a dance of chaos and order. We humans try to control whatever we can. Our will to survive leads us into this behavior. We are grasping, fearful creatures, always looking for a loophole in reality, always trying to bend the universe to our will. Control is always temporary and to each act of control comes the push of chaos. The universe always prevails. It obeys no human being’s will. Empires fall, bridges rust, and bodies age and fail. Life itself was generated by chaos. Order only exists within a maelstrom of disorder. The borders of one make the other possible.

We do not control these processes, though everyday we comfort ourselves with the delusion that we keep chaos at bay. We fill our lives with the quest for control: in government, in church, in our relationships, and in our finances. Our grasping, fearful natures plod onward, pissing into the wind of eons.

What happens if we decide to just stop? What if we embrace the reality of control being an illusion? What happens? Is this possible?

Some people spend a great deal of time meditating upon this. Quite literally meditating.

When one fights against hierarchy and control, one is literally opposing others’ attempts to impose a form of order upon the world. Are we fighting to impose a different kind of control? And if we are, are we striving for an illusion?

I do not have answers to these questions, but nevertheless, they hold my mind’s fascination. Is the prospect of relaxing this fearful grasping a possible outcome of such contemplation? Perhaps.

I am certain of this: reality dictates that control is an illusion. The attempt to control the uncontrollable separates me from the moment, and I am divided from the beauty of now.

.   .   .   .

There is another contemplation: one I am more certain of. There is a connection with others that extends beyond the everyday influence of social interaction. I can’t describe it in a way that does it justice. It is like looking at a person and feeling the equivalent of a melody—an emotional melody that is unique to that person. This way of seeing people has been with me since my teen years. I am often a poor student of its influence because its gentle call is so easily drowned out by the tensions of everyday social contact.

From this melodic emotional calling, comes the experience I know as empathy. It forms the foundation of a simple rule that I try to live my days by: tread lightly in this life. Live your life in a way which brings the least harm to the living, feeling creatures that surround you.

I feel this melody for more than my fellow human beings. I experience this with animals, trees, the starry black of night, and the dark atmospheric tension of a thunderstorm. It surrounds me and comes from everywhere. When I am able to truly listen to this melody and I feel the detail of its finely structured notes, I am moved to tears. I am filled with a soul melting wonder. This is what I long for. I wish to become lost in it. I wish to obliterate the boundaries of self and become one with this alluring song.

Sadly, the beauty of this connection is drowned out by the fearful grasping of my human need for control. I lose the beauty of now. My desire for control separates me from the world around me. It sours the solidity of reality itself. It renders my surroundings into something colorless, ugly, and menacing.

Thus, we come full circle in this discussion which has extended across so many days. Natural beauty colliding with control: this sits uneasily, like a splinter in my mind’s eye.

These things are all connected.

My soul cries out for an understanding of these bonds.

This article is one installment of a five part series:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

The Wages Of Conformity

We are social creatures. We depend upon each other for our physical and emotional survival. Few of us possess the ability to survive on this planet without the help of others. Because of this dependency, if we do not properly fill the roles and responsibilities expected of us, we represent a threat to the larger group. As social creatures who depend upon each other for our very survival, we are designed to conform. This promotes social harmony and makes the survival of the larger group more likely.

Our emotions are geared toward integrating us into the larger group. Social exclusion causes us to feel uncomfortable emotions such as fear, shame, and loneliness. Social inclusion brings feelings of well being such as love, pride, and happiness. Our emotional health depends upon a sense of being connected to others. The lower our degree of harmonious social integration, the lower our sense of well being.

Of course, I do not conform to the needs and expectations of society. I exist as a kind of foreign body that represents a potential source of chaos and discord in the social network that sustains me. I am a source of instability, a destabilizing force. Society, being a homeostatic system, will seek to eliminate me.  It doesn’t matter if I think the needs and expectations of my culture and my country are deeply flawed. Since I refuse to accept my assigned roles and responsibilities, I am a threat to this society, as it is currently structured.

Consequently, I have experienced quite a bit of internal, emotional fallout: depression, anxiety, self-hatred, fear, shame, loneliness, anger, and self-destructive tendencies. Externally speaking, there has also been a lot of fallout: discrimination, diminished economic prospects, emotional abuse, physical abuse, diminished legal rights, and general ostracism. These examples of internal and external fallout are designed to bring me into alignment with the roles and responsibilities that my culture and country expect of me.

Since I refuse to conform to social expectations, this system is designed to destroy someone like me. At the very least, the system will attempt to limit the level of power I have in my community and my country. Ultimately, this equates with diminished levels of survival. Whether it is by my own hand, the actions of another person, or the action of a social institution, the social pressures exhibited by society are designed to ensure my marginalization, and ultimately, my demise.

This is reality. It’s harsh. It’s terrible. But it’s true. My continued survival and my continued sanity depend upon my understanding and embracing this truth. My culture and my country are not my friends. The institutions and people of my country are a threat to my existence. My own emotional responses to these social pressures are also not to be trusted, as they are designed by millennia of evolution to bring me into social compliance.

This is pretty fucking angering.

I’ll be honest. Knowing this, acknowledging this reality, there is a small part of me that wants to bring down this entire society in a grand conflagration of blood and wreckage. Why not share my pain with others in the most direct fashion possible? If you wish to treat me as an agent of chaos, then why not bring chaos to your doorstep?

Thankfully, for your well being and mine, it is not my nature to be violent. Furthermore, my socialization as a woman acts in a way that strongly discourages physical violence. However, when I remember what it was like to be a teenage boy, I suspect that as a man, I might have become a physical threat at this point.

Do you remember the Columbine shootings? When they happened, I wasn’t terribly shocked. I understood, on a deep intuitive level, why the shootings happened. It wasn’t the untoward influence of video games or violent music, I can assure you. This is the price of deep alienation. Some of the alienated will inevitably take others’ lives. Once the social contract between a person and society is broken, violence is a likely outcome—from either party. If a culture is structured in such a fashion that alienation is a common experience, these incidents of violence will be common. I don’t condone this, but I do very much understand it.

The flip side of violence against others is violence against oneself. Sometimes, when one succumbs to the emotional destruction that commonly accompanies alienation, ending one’s life seems like the only viable solution. What happens when someone figures out that society doesn’t want them to continue existing? What happens when one can not and will not conform to society’s expectations and there seems like no escape from negative social consequences? The series of teenage suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin School District in Minnesota is a testament to this reality. These deaths were not an accident. The parents and school staff of Anoka-Hennepin sent a very clear message to their children as to what constitutes the expected properties of an acceptable human being. Being LGBT is definitely not included among these properties. This message was transmitted from peer to peer and the social violence of ostracism lead to the self-inflicted violence of suicide. The teenagers who killed themselves acted in accordance with society’s unspoken wishes: they should not exist, and so now, they do not exist.

Mission accomplished.

The expectations of an authoritarian, racist, heterosexist, cissexist, gender-normative, ethnocentric, classist, capitalist, christianist, ageist, abelist  society includes the death of those who can not manage to toe the line. This is not an unintended consequence. This is by design. Authoritarianism and oppression use our emotional makeup as social beings as tools in forcing our compliance. In the event that we choose not to comply, we are sabotaged from within. If that does not work, then the system will try its best to marginalize, impoverish, incarcerate, and kill us.

Personally, I do not plan on taking my own life. My continued existence is my own personal “fuck you” to this cesspit of a society. I will not comply with expected roles and responsibilities, and if this helps contribute toward the demise of this hateful system, then I am grateful.

I am a living agent of chaos and I embrace this. Out of chaos comes change.

This article is one installment of a five part series:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

This Is Why

I do not connect with my fellow humans very well.

I move into a new environment, several years pass, and only then do I begin to find comfort with people in my surroundings. In groups and circles that have become old and familiar, I find myself alienated as time passes. Amongst people of kindred philosophies and outlooks on life, I always seem to reach an impasse of fundamental disagreement.

Alienation sets in, an old and familiar friend of years.

Why? Why does this always happen to me?

Is something wrong with me?

I am frequently alone. Social situations commonly spark a sense of unrest or a lack of interest. Time spent with a book, a movie watched alone, or a solitary walk in the woods are often more appealing.

I do not trust people. During parties, I am often found curled up with the host’s dog or cat. I feel a far greater degree of comfort with animals than I do with humans. Animals have simple, straightforward agendas. They are generally honest and do not put on airs. Animals are worthy of trust. Human beings are not.

You aren’t supposed to admit things like this. And yet, I get an odd thrill by doing so.

Is there something wrong with me?

Should I even care?

This way of being has been with me for a long time… but not always. I remember being quite young, perhaps four or five years old, and being outgoing. I remember striking up conversations with strangers with an ease that now seems impossible. The world was a wondrous place. People seemed inviting, exciting, and engaging.

The sweet innocence of a child.

I think, maybe, this was beaten out of me. With words. With fists. With other people’s agendas of who I should be. Children who are not gender-normative go through this, you see. This is normal. It is the way of the world. Beat masculinity into a boy. It will make a man of her. Well, fuck you, humanity. It didn’t work. Instead, what you’ve beaten into me is a hatred of your existence: undying, enduring, plaguing my soul.

Is there something wrong with me?

Yes, there is. And for good reason.

Is this too much? Am I being too honest? Tough. You—the collective you—created me. Now fucking deal with it.

Do you see the anger in the paragraphs above? This is what I keep hidden from view. Be a good girl. Be polite. You are not supposed to admit these things aloud… not even to yourself. Writing them is cathartic, though. I do not like humanity. I am a misanthrope. A small thrill runs through me as I type these words.

As triumphantly hateful as I sound, I don’t actually like being this way. I don’t want to be disappointed by my own species. I do not wish to look upon others with never ending cynicism and mistrust. Seeing one’s fellow mammals as a cesspit of nastiness doesn’t cheer a person as she sips her morning tea.

Why does this happen? From whence does this malaise hail?

This is what I have recently come to understand. There is a kind of mathematics to this. The why starts with a who.

Who am I?

I was born into a white, working class family of unrepentant racists—a group of vile people that I am now estranged from. I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I grew up as a gender variant boy. I grew into a transgender woman. I lost my religion at the onset of adulthood. I became a vegetarian. I became a leftist, a feminist, a bleeding heart liberal. I went to college. I graduated with a degree in both engineering and the humanities. I feel an attraction toward women and to a much lesser extent, men. However, I rarely seek romantic companionship because I am more asexual than anything else. I do not fit the gender expectations of my sex, even though I am comfortable with my female form. I believe in no god, but I find that scientific materialism bores me and leaves me uninspired. I believe I am more than the atoms of my body. I despise the arrogance of ontological certitude. I am drawn to and fulfilled by the unknown.

To summarize, I am a white, feminist, vegetarian, leftist, atheist/agnostic/spiritualist, transgender, lesbian/bisexual/asexual, gender-nonconforming, college educated woman of working class roots who is estranged from her family and is a survivor of abuse.

It would seem that I have taken quite a few steps off the beaten path. How many people on the planet hold this description in common with me? A handful? Perhaps, we could fill a small auditorium? This many, out of the billions people who populate the planet?

No wonder I feel like a fucking space alien, sometimes. The possibility of my being the odd person out in a social gathering is high. The likelihood of accidentally running headfirst into someone’s unwitting prejudice is also exceedingly high. In addition to the emotional damage that I sustained in my childhood, this explains why I feel so ill-at-ease with others.

However, I am unwilling to conform. I am unwilling to change so that I fit into people’s fucked up notion of “normal”. This then, is the reality of my life. I am an outsider and this is will not change. Because of people’s prejudices—and there are many—I will always find a sense of disappointment in humanity.

I will live with this until my last, dying breath.

This is reality. This is why I feel lost. This is why human company inspires ambivalence and distance. My sense of centeredness and connectedness can not be found amongst human beings. This is impossible. Logic dictates that this is so.

That’s one hell of a realization.

Beyond this certainty, lies unknown ground.

This article is one installment of a five part series:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

PSA: I oppose fundamentalists of all stripes… even the atheist ones.

Let’s review recent history.

We’ve had a passel of atheist dude bros tell an underage teenage girl how much they want to have sex with her after she posts a picture of herself holding a gift from her mom on Reddit. We have the PETA-like clowns of American Atheists with their constant trickle of deliberately offensive billboards. We have an Islamophobic hater in Pennsylvania who dresses as a zombie Muhammad in a Halloween parade, hateful anti-Muslim drawings at The “Friendly” Atheist during the last Everybody Draw Muhammad Day, a cluelessly racist billboard by an atheist group near Harrisburg, and many, many rounds of generally sexist bullshit from new atheist men.

Then, there is the widely accepted notion among new atheists, that any religion, anywhere is evil and will lead to immoral behavior. If you dare look upon the world in a way that exists outside of scientific materialism, you risk ushering in humanity’s barbarous self-destruction. Step outside of the boundaries of scientism and you will be branded as a cognitively damaged idiot worthy of shame and scorn. Religion, spirituality, and similar ways of seeing the world are best shamed into non-existence… for humanity’s own good.

Atheists are intellectually superior to believers. Atheists have a better understanding of morality and are more civil. Atheists see the world and its inhabitants with greater clarity and understanding. Atheists have a better grasp of world events, human relationships, sex, history, emotions, politics, and virtually any topic that could involve thoughtful analysis.

In other words, atheists are better people than those who embrace the dangerous stupidity of religion. People who embrace religion and/or spirituality are psychologically defective and can not be trusted. They are adults who have the beliefs of children and behave as children.

These are themes both spoken and implied that I see spattered across the internet and in atheist literature. We are better. We are superior. We are the protectors of Truth. Is it me, or does this seem oddly familiar? This sounds suspiciously similar to a negative form of religion. Sexism, racism, intolerance of other religions, and moral superiority. Are we talking about atheists or Southern Baptists, circa 1955?

Us vs. them. It is ancient music, born of human blood and bone, and I recognize it well.

You know, as an “old atheist”, I’ve grown incredibly tired of new atheist dysfunction. What I see written in many new atheist spaces is nothing more than another form of prejudice and religious intolerance. There’s already enough dysfunction and animosity on the planet. Why do people knowingly exacerbate existing levels of intolerance? Must we stumble upon this human failing at every turn?

The question that plagues my mind is this: why do the loudest, most obnoxious people of any given faith or philosophy seem to rise to the top and receive the most exposure? Looking at the boorish, intolerant behavior of my non-believing peers, I now realize what it must be like to have a humane, caring interpretation of Christianity and have your voice drowned out by prejudicial, conservative Christian assholes. New atheist hatefulness has actually led me to a place where I feel greater levels of empathy for moderate and progressive Christians.

New atheists, you bring more dysfunction into the world than you challenge. Consequently, my dear non-believing compatriots, here’s my pledge to you:

I am not your friend.

I am not your ally.

I will stand with more sensible non-believers and religious people who oppose your hatefulness, just as I stand with others in opposing all religion-based intolerance.

I will be a traitor to your cause.

I will be your “uncle Tom”.

I wash my hands of you.

misanthrope

People disappoint me.

In my 43rd year upon this planet, I think I have become the kind of person that people commonly refer to as “misanthrope”. I do not like people very much. Humanity seems to be an experiment gone horribly wrong. I’m not sure what the Earth’s next living project will be, but I hope that we will be excluded from its future plans.

Seriously.

We are overpopulating the world. We are destroying the very ecosphere we are living within. We are choking on industrial filth and we are destroying other species as we wind our way toward planetary oblivion.

We lack the social maturity to survive our gift as exquisitely talented makers of technology.

This planet’s living mantle is vanishing around us, and in spite of this, power and money hold more meaning than our continued survival. We savor the control we have accumulated over our environment and our fellow human beings. This matters far too much to ponder the relevance of the next generation’s survival. We value our children as much as the rest of life on this planet.

Control. Division. Hierarchy.

We obsessively pay tribute to this Holy Trinity.

We exquisite tool makers love to draw invisible lines across the natural world. We place the pieces of our planet into invisible drawers called words. We categorize, analyze, and theorize so that we may extend our human reach over all that we survey.

Linear thought. The systematizing mind.

We have a gift for creating virtual walls: cells of analysis that enable us to manipulate the world within a scientific hierarchy of understanding. We revel in our cognitive mastery of the natural world.

Our gift for creating lines, cells, and walls of understanding extend to the human realm, as well. Sometimes we call this wall building science, culture, or government. Sometimes we combine the transcendent with divine walls of separation and we call it religion. At the end of the day, though, these sorted disciplines fall under a single, solitary quest: control. Simple, pure control.

And we are oh so talented at control.

We excel at drawing boarders between ourselves and our neighbors. We are marvelously suited stalwarts of marginalization who forever whisper the tribal mantra of us vs. them. Us vs. them: the simplest form of categorization ever devised. A binary, born of our lust for control, division, and hierarchy.

The ruled and the ruling.

We divvy each other up into simple categories and then do our best to exploit and hurt each other based upon these virtual walls. As one group struggles to rise above second class citizenship, another group is pushed down into the muck of oppression. We are ensnared by our own participation in the authoritarian, capitalist, racist, colonialist, patriarchal shit heap we call government, science, society, and religion.

This passion for tribalism extends everywhere…

In our words.

In our thoughts.

In our relationships.

In our laws.

Lines of power flow and divide us in this culture of shit and spittle.

We dream of future tyrannies and we call this “order”. Efficient, logical, planned, control. The heart warms at the notion of more for us and protection from them. Our fears and ambitions form the shape and texture of tomorrow’s violence.

We take as much care with our fellow human beings as we do our natural environment. We separate ourselves from others and from nature via lines of power.

We lust for control, division, and hierarchy.

We happily, willingly, lovingly intertwine our souls with this Holy Trinity. We infuse the essence of this godhead into everything.

Under capitalism, we call control money. The more you have, the greater your ability to exploit others.

In these modern times, we call control technology. The more you have, the greater your ability to exploit nature.

We would all like larger bank accounts, would we not?

We would all like access to the latest marvels of science and technology, would we not?

Who dreams of a house and family in the suburbs, populated by technological wonders made by poorly paid serfs in far off lands?

Who fancies sparkling new autos powered by fuel from beneath lands pockmarked with bomb craters and patrolled by grim faced soldiers who kill for our pleasure?

Air conditioned, cushioned, 300 channel, surround-sound living, in a sanitized, virtual world watched from the tinted windows of our middle-class homes and SUVs… All protected from the non-white hordes by bullets, missiles, thermonuclear warheads, and so many other marvelous tools of violence, brought to us by science, technology, and government.

Who longs for this modern slice of heaven?

Who?

You?

Me?

Yes.

The good life. Now on sale at the nearest retail outlet. Act now, while supplies last.

Your children will thank you… for a while. Until the very atmosphere comes crashing down around us.

In God we trust? Our gods are clothed in green and black cotton linen. They will not save us.

.  .  .  .

I once took hope in finding a sense of centeredness in human company. I search for this no longer. My alienation is complete.

Who am I?

What lines and walls of tribal science cross through my body?

I am white. I am vegetarian. I am a citizen of the United States. I am a queer woman living outside the boundaries of normal. I am a transgender lesbian who experiences bisexual desire. I violate the gender expectations of women and men. I am godless. I am morally suspect. I am an atheist who leans heavily toward agnosticism and searches for the spiritual. I am an outsider. I am a loner, cut adrift from my origins. I was raised in a racist, Christian family of yesterday’s factory workers. I am a college educated leftist who rejected her blood relations because of their myriad hatreds.

These labels and these statements will never fully capture who I am. The categories do not fit, and yet, others will define me by these things… and so will I. These endless lines of control divide us. I stumble upon privilege that I share with others and I stumble upon privilege that I am excluded from. The tethers of the Holy Trinity steam with our intermingled blood: control, division, and hierarchy.

Of this I am certain:

I am an oppressor.

I am oppressed.

I am tired of tripping upon the ropes that bind me to tribal science. I am tired of the bone shattering alienation that is born of intersecting lines of hierarchy and control.

Where I search for a sense of connectedness no longer centers upon humanity. I seek alternatives. I turn to nature. I turn to my physical surroundings: the solitude of a starry sky, the grasses of the fields, and leaves blowing in the wind. I turn away from human beings and return to the quiet thrill of my senses: a memory from childhood, golden and pure… a simpler form of being.

This human ground has turned bitter and barren.

I travel in search of other lands.

I shall make a spiritual home in the quarters of reality that exist beyond human flesh. I shall cast my sight beyond this species in search of something more. I will try to let go of my human lust for controlling the world that surrounds us.

I am lost.

I am seeking.

No god or guru can hold my heart…

This article is one installment of a five part series:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.