Putting this exploration into words has felt like a decent into madness. Staring directly into the eyes of life’s harshness is unsettling. I can think of only one path out of this descent: faith. Faith is the belief in something in spite of the absence of evidence. Living my life, continuing my passage through this world of control and chaos, takes a conscious act of faith. I am not meant to survive—this I have established during this exploration—and so, I must continue my life in the absence of evidence that my life will continue.
I know of no other way to do this.
I am tired of humanity’s mad rush toward control in the face of being mortal. It leads us into spoiling the wonder that surrounds us. It leads us into lines of division, alienation, and oppression. But if one is to relinquish control, then one must have faith that life will continue, and if life doesn’t continue… then somehow, this is OK, too.
The rational and linear minded say that this is an act of madness. Faith forms the foundation of intellectual corruption.
Ironically, rationality itself is an act of control. Reason is structure. Reason builds walls. Reason turns the world into an array of objects to be manipulated and analyzed. I am tired of walls. I wish to see the world as a whole rather than as a series of compartments, neatly arranged and cataloged.
And so, faith and reason are not compatible bedfellows. One entails the relinquishing of control while the other entails the imposition of control. Once again, we have the ancient dance of chaos and order.
However, I am an agent of chaos and so, it would seem that faith is my sister. Perhaps then, I should get to know Her better?
It brings me joy to know that this declaration characterizes me as a source of evil for both those of religious and scientific persuasions. It would seem, in these modern times, that both religion and science struggle to conquer the spirit, the body, and the mind. And what better tools to accomplish this than control, division, and hierarchy? Two Holy Trinities meet and grapple with one another. Who will subdue whom?
Religion and science are not the answers. One tries to use faith as a means of control while the other tries to destroy it entirely.
Religion says, “Take faith in God. Relinquish control over to Him.” In reality, He is actually the church and its functionaries. Religion uses the godhead as a ruse for the accumulation of wealth and social power. Religion’s version of faith is nothing more than an ancient game of bait and switch.
Science, on the other hand, serves to undermine faith. The scientific method is designed to restructure the mind in ways that reproduce linear, analytical thought. Linear, analytical thought is, by its very nature, the cognitive equivalent of the imposition of control. This serves to destroy faith from the inside out. Unfortunately, without faith, one is left vulnerable to filling the resulting void with the constant struggle for control. We are left only with the illusion of comfort provided by human society, a realm which is focused upon control, division, and hierarchy. Religion disguises this Holy Trinity as God. Science disguises the Trinity as reason and technology.
Science and religion are both structured in ways which dehumanize and objectify the world and all that live within it. Deep down, I have reached a place where I actively abhor both institutions. Neither deserve to be trusted, as they both seek a form of tyranny. Both embrace the illusion of control and they revel in it.
Consequently, science and religion, as they are currently formed, are incompatible with spiritual connection. The sense of holistic connection that I seek withers under the acidic breath of their tyranny. One claims to provide refuge for the spirit, the other, a refuge for the mind. Both institutions peddle snake oil.
Faith is my known path. And so, I must learn to embrace Her and allow Her to embrace me. There is no other way. I cast my life into Her arms.
I am lost.
I am seeking.
No god or guru can hold my heart.
This article is one installment of a five part series: